If, at any time, you notice that you have enough playlists in your iTunes sources to cause a scrollbar to appear, you may just have too many. It might be time to tone it down some, y’know? Slow down there.

But that is an aside from the real issue at hand: be glad that you are not among the thousands employed to keep my brother’s yard mowed. As it is larger in square acreage than the former Soviet Union, this hardened team of crack mowers is kept occupied for well over 172 hours every week. You do not know the meaning of a difficult mow until you have tried to mow this lawn. Remember when in school they taught you that if you push on a wall, it pushes back with equal force? Remember how that never made sense? Even though the Mowing Legion performs this feat with highly-advanced lawnmowers, any one of our elite would swear to you that the mower somehow musters the courage to push back with twice the force. My team was out in the sun for only a few minutes today, pushing our mowers in a synchronized line that takes years to perfect, and seventeen of our number dropped suddenly due to heat exhaustion.

Fortunately the even plane of the lawn itself helps to make the pushing easier. The experience is similar to pushing a gigantic truck across the Rocky Mountains. Except that instead of being really cold, it is instead insanely hot. I can’t understand why exactly this lawn is so difficult to mow. When I mow the lawn at home, it is a Zen experience. The lawnmower and I make beautiful music on the winsome plane of eternity. I can have my front lawn done in less than fifteen minutes, and I barely break a sweat. This Lawn of Insanity, located roughly everywhere, though, takes, again, thousands of people 172 hours a week to mow. Mind-boggling.

If this post seems incoherent, then you can blame the chemicals. I had a two liter of Mountain Dew tonight, along with little to eat. At this point I can barely see and I have gas. And my toes are starting to go to sleep.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 22nd, 2004 at 2:14 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.